random

not really a random blog but its more about what happened was random and hasnt happened pretty much since i got back to va.

im gettin ready to play wow for a raid that was pretty fail, but while i was waiting i was talking to shelly. she had to go out and do some shoping so i was texting her about how fail the raid was and how i cant wait to get back to cali so i can be all "shit has hit the fan i have to help a friend out" and leave the raid. well she gets back and then gets on skype and video calls me...it has been about a 2-3 weeks since we last had one. The problem is as soon as i looked at her in her eyes...the butterflies started fluttering in my tummy. i know i like her and i care and what not, and i know that it isnt truly a returned feeling, but i cant help but feel a little better looking at her.

i know she is smitten by will, and like she is to me the feeling isnt mutual.

slightly bothersome since i know she still has a major crush on him since she cant stop talking about him.

i dont know, should i just keep leading hel on and get what i want from her but continue the lonely life i know i will have, knowing that i will never be with shelly, or should i try with shelly even tho it prolly wont happen and i will end up alone anyways.

i know it sounds pig like due to the fact that hel and i just wanna have sex with each other, i do like hel, but i know nothing will spawn from it other than a random hookup from a foreign chick while i have feeling for someone who doesnt have them back for me.

man my life really is starting to sound more like a soap opera than ever.

should i just quit while im ahead and just focus on me and let things come when they should?

should i continue striving for something i will prolly never have?

should i accept that i will never have her?

should i become the pig that most males are?

should i just go back to being a hermit and only letting in the ones i feel are friends and only have friends?

i have so many questions, yet no one to ask.

i are dissapoint. yet giddy, yet slightly depressed.

BAH

seriously what the fuck

she doest talk to me yesterday, and today she starts a fight because i took her off on facebook....i do care about her i do like her but really right now i dont feel that being in contact is the best thing, i was USED by her as a backup plan.....and she is the one telling me that i shouldnt have lied.....she kept the truth from me and once i found it out she didnt want to talk about it....who is really at fault here...sure i said i wasnt a virgin and she took my vcard...but her keeping her feelings from me and giving my FALSE HOPE is a whole lot worse than what i did...boo fucking hoo i hate dating i hate the concept....this is why im content with living and dying alone.

another failure

its funny how i keep tellin myself that one day ill find a girl and feel comfortable dating again, but even after 5 years i just keep getting the sense that no matte what it wont happen. Even with shelly entering my life as a friend then moved on from that, we never dated, we never even thought about being a couple, it was because i was the safe choice for her at that time. now for back story.

it was late june or early july, and my friend luke was going to introduce me to his buddys at the t-spot so we head over to find out that they were at the pool chilling. we head over there and i met the guys. they were chilling with a group of girls who just moved in and were being friendly with them, and me being me, i was in my leather jacket, jeans and a rancid shirt smoking my unfiltered lucky strikes just being a crass yet still quite self. the next day beer pong. good times were had. then came the day...well a few days before, my leaving for virginia so a party was thrown. and low and behold shelly was there, sure she was there for the other get togethers but this was the first time her and i actually spoke. now im in virginia and im on face book and i see a post about my going away shindig and what was going on. and i commented about the tetris game and shelly and i were talking there. then she friended me on facebook and we swaped screen names for aim and started talking. then her and i started flirting and what not. then she said the 3 words that i tend not to throw around meaninglessly, but for some reason i felt that i could say them to her, so i did. now fast forward to nov i figured i would go out to cali to spend thanksgiving with family but shelly said why not spend it with her. so i flew out to cali and spent a week with shelly. i had fun. then on the saturday 2 days before i was to fly back she came up to me saying she wanted to know if iit would be ok for her to have sex wtih me, i didnt say no. we did. it was fun but i still dont know what the hype is all about, but i digress. so now it has been a little more than a week of me being back in virginia and i am talking to shelly after her and i havent talked for a few days and i over hear her talking to one of her roomates. the roomate said that her and this guy will would make a cute couple and i know that the guy is her friends with benefits and i have told her, you dont want to be the go to for a booty call, but she didnt listen. so anyways she then goes and said something on the lines of "well we are just friends with benefits and it would take a miracle for him to actually say something for this to progress any further than that". at that point i knew where i stood. but her and i ended our convo. at 4 am my time she ims me and i told her that her and i needed to talk about something. well i told her what i over heard and she said that i heard it wrong .i then asked her if she liked will and if she wanted to date him seriously and move forward from being just friends with benefits. she said yes. so i told her i obviously heard her right. she said she wanted it but couldnt have it and should jsut get over it. she then said that she doesnt want to force him into a relationship. so me being the all-knowing that i am, i told her that she doesnt want to force him incase it doesnt work out or if he says no becuase then she would feel like it was all for nothing and would prefer him to want it and therefore needing a miracle for him to say something to make their current relationship progress. and that i was only in the picture if it didnt work out or he said no. and that i was only a backup plan. at that point she said she couldnt talk about it and i told her that really it had to be said cuz i wanted to confirm where i stood in this and that she just confirmed that i am just a back up plan, the fall back, the safety. to which i gave her advice on what she should do but i told her that i am not going to be her safety or backup that the only way i can consider dating someone is if i am the #1 to them not just a fall back, because that is an insult to me. so i told her that what we had was nice as long as it lasted but i wouldnt get my hopes up for anything to move forward, since i wouldnt cuz of where i stood in her life. to which she says i love you nate please dont forget that. at this point i just said to myself she doesnt know what she wants or who she actually loves and that i would just end up getting hurt like i did in the last relationship i had. so here i am venting telling the story on the internet where no one is going to read, comment, or give their input because hell no one cares really.

mind you the conversation was held last night and today i took her off facebook my aim, skype and out of my phone. i dont want to have my hopes up, but i do want he to realise that i am the right choice for her and not just a notch in the bed post.

this always happens, this is why i dont date or get my hopes up, this is why i just have to give up. im 23 sure there are plenty of women out there, but im 23 i want a stable relationship, i want commitment, not marriage, just a nice long term relationship where both parties are happy. but needless to say i figure the numbers are against me so why bother.

no im not going to kill myself, but i am gettin shitfaced tomorrow no matter what.

this new job

so i have been workin at this place for 2 weeks now, and quite frankly its really fucking dull, there is not enough work for 3 people, too much sitting around, and i hate not being busy.

on the up side gettin paid 13 an hour to sit around for the most part.

9th circle of hell here i come

this week would drive anyone to drink....good thing my friend invited me to a bar last week.

YAY DRINKING TO FORGET AND DROWN THE PAIN WOOOOO! nothing says im an alcholic more than that....amirite

what went down:

monday uneventfull

tuesday- jonna is butt hurt that chase isnt paying attention to her and i got pretty much got dragged into cheerin her up for 3 and a half hours. jonna says she is over chase....i called bullshit...

wed- saw jonna is chase's live, asked her what is up and if she is all right (wow 3 and a half hours gone to waste), jonna starts bitching at me, said "us" was over. didnt really pay attention took it as friend ship was over and i didnt care she was the source of a lot of drama. told my buddy, he found it to be bullshit. hung in my buddys room, jonna came in i left the room waitin for her to leave. got a text from jonna saying "are we really doing this" no shit you bitched me out for no reason saying "why did you choose (leaving her name out of this) over me, how could you choose her over me, she doesnt even care about you". the last part about (leaving her name out of this) not carring about me...total bull shit, she would wait for me to take up, wait for me to go to bed, hell she didnt sleep for a week cuz she couldnt wait to talk to me next. she WAS in love with me and her actions rang clear as a bell so i didnt care what jonna said about her.  jonna sent a text saying "i said us you and me. i would love to be your friend" i replied "there never was an us", once again she shot back wtih "oo alright james. i guess there was no you and (leaving her name out of this) either. you're full of shit." went to sleep

thurs- went to the cyber cafe hung out trying to forget the drama. got home hung otu in my buddys room jonna enters i leave, happens about 3 times over the course of the night. at one point i got fora smoke she enters i come back she starts talking to me, i ignore it, she leaves, its about fucking 930 i go out for a drive and i get a text saying jonna is saying shit about ..... i find  a parking spot becuase im pissed off that jonna thinks she has the right to talk aobut her  like that, she can say anything she wants about me i dont care but you NEVER talk about the person i care most about like that. the dud said he is trying to get her to stop, and was trying to calm the fires between me and jonna, jonna said she woudlnt appoligise for the shit she said about ..... so i said i wouldnt appoligise for anything i have said. went home...went to bed...

fri- told ..... about the shit jonna said. she thought that i was accusing her of not careing and believing what jonna said. i told her i wasnt accusing her and that i didnt beleive jonna for one second that i was tellin her because it was something i had to take care of i wanted this drama to stop, she didnt have any of that so i said fuck it and logged out of msn.  few hours go by i see ..... live on stickam i entered her room, talked to her in a pm trying to sort shit out, she blamed herself saying once again it was all her fault which it wasnt. i just told her that i was sorry i came into her life and brought all this unwanted drama, and that i was sorry i was the worst thing to happen to her. if she wants to talk to me or anything she will have to talk first, i wont talk to her i have hurt her enough and i cant bare start talking to her, guilt sucks. told her that i would leave her alone and that she wont hear from me again, she started to cry, i wanted to kill myself, i left her room. told my buddy, he was pissed, took it out on jonna, his logic is that its her fault cuz she was the one to get possesive of me and said shit about .... jonna said sorry, i said sorry, .... still prolly hates me.

sat (today)- GOING TO GET FUCKED UP TO HELP FORGET ABOUT .... CUZ ALL I DO IS THNK OF HER AND MAKES ME WANT TO DIE!

;lakjfds;lkja;fsadf fuck

why do i do this...

i meet a really cool chick. start talking to her. then i start opening up. then they loose interest.

i mean, it feels like she has lost interest.

i dont know if she has.

FUCK I HATE THIS IM ALL BLARG!

punk+bad mood=good mix

racist song....it makes me lulz

The Most Racist Song EVER

blarg

.....so i was planing for a while to go to the midnight showing of wolverine: x-men origins, but i wasnt paying attention and didnt buy a ticket.

oh well i get to talk to the most beautiful woman in the world, so i am happy.

i like pie. but i love my kitty

ok now that i got the lovey dovey out of my system....

last night i was going to hang out iwth my friend david at what is known as "sabers".

its club that meets on wed and sat nights at 9pm and they do lightsaber duels...

so the inner nerd in me was all...fuck that is epic shit.

so i went there last night, and the people were talking baout this "colin" who had the club's sabers.

and they discribed him to me and i was all...wait....did he work at in n out 3 years back and they were all yes....

and low and behold it WAS THE COLIN I WORKED WITH ....been 3 years....holy shit....

small world.

so yea...had fun meetin the people and shit..might go again sat...but might not.

woooots

so petaplx met tom yesterday via vent....toms thinks she is chill.

atleast i hope he does.

and if he doesnt eh fuck him.

petaplx....i love you

i fucked up big.....

i fell like i fucked shit up.....

bah i hate this feeling

AKJS;FLJA;SLFDJ;AFJD FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

pretty much the story of the best day of my life

so i was on /b/ lookin for stickam raids, and i was sent a link to /b/ase. 

went there and someone posted to go to this room....i go there and i start trolling not the host but the people in the room. 

well the host started quoting rules of the internet, and i was shitting myself.

so i start to pm her and tlaking to her and she is the most amazing person ever...

jump about 2 weeks. and pretty much i am ga ga for her....i would sell a kidney to see her, hell even my right testicle (he is my favorite).

i cant say i have felt this way about anyone before.....i am actually happy....its weird.

petaplx...<3

anon

so i have come to find a new group of people i can call my self welcomed.

they are anonymous, but not anon as a whole but a few anon's who dont care about gettin tits from dumb sluts on stickam....but are in it for the lulz.

me and 2 of these anon went into a chat room on stickam and shut the place down spamming nigger, chats closed, so would you like some mocha, and other random shit like that.

then the next day we went on nigra hunting on stickam found some and made signs sayng "where has all the chicken gone and other slightly racist things like that.

dont get me wrong i am not a racist, i just find it funny on how offended people get when you bring up a sterotype of their race. hence lulz.

well anyways i hate stupid people. 

fuck v day

so i hate vday.....like any other bitter angry single person.

well my buddy told me about an anti vday party at a bar near where he lives. so we went

there was drinking, massive amounts of dancing....and no flirting what so ever...even tho the people there were supposed to be single....majority were couples..

now here is a rant about that.

its a anti vday party ment for singles...WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GO IF YOU ARE A COUPLE!? its not ment for couples, its ment for people to hook up at. that defeaets the whole point of a singles party, fuck you couples who went i hope you die from vd!

also fuck all the other couples out there, i dont care how happy you are...you will end up as miserable as the rest of us. fuck you all.

fuck vday.....

from your lovely captain

oh god....

so my buddy leejay and i have been talking and he wants to find an open mic night at a comedy club...and we do a duo thing....see how we do

oh man...that woudl be so fun..i would be like lewis black....ranting and shit...

i want to do it...

AND ANOTHER RANT

i remember when there were TEEN dramas on tv showing that being a teen sucked and was hard...

but NOW the shows for "teens" are really marketed to 12 yo who are going to grow up thinking being a teen is the shit. 

fuck that!

NOW i remember my so called life...great teen drama, comming of age, showing that being a teen sucked. degrasi...never watched it but i heard good things about it.

what do "teens" have now...drake and josh, icarly, suite life of zach and cody....really now, the acting sucked they are all comedys, there is no real drama in their life, everything is hunkey dorey...

fuck that shit.

i STILL remember what it was like being a teen...drugs, smoking, drinking, sex, people treating you like shit, being judged everyday there is none of that anymore on tv, that is why most teens are watching shows like csi, law and order, shit like that, why cuz there is drama, suspence, and slight humor. teens dont want supid humor, they want something i little inteigent but still simple enough for them to get. 

fuck disney fuck nick.

movie actor rant

alrighty.....i hate disney and nickloden for 2 simple reasons

1. their shows suck

2. the actors over act

and here is a prime example

the show drake and josh on nickleoden the 2 main actors drake bell and josh peck seem to be horrible actors because its all BIG movement and BIG sound.

now you look at the movie the wackness with josh peck....notice he isnt all over the place or hyper and making BIG movements, why cuz he is ACCTUALLY  a good actor who has RANGE.

now drake bell.....what big movie has he been in recently...college....horrible national lampoon wanna be, another "teen movie"....really now horrible script with AGAIN over acting some on his part...but mostly the FRAT boys in the moive. i love watching movies for entertainment but there is the side of me that looks at the acting, the plot, the script....it was just another college comedy...nothing new.....the wackness good story good script....wtf

disney channel....dont get me started. i remember disney back in the day...and i remember how horrible it was back then with the acting quality...i understand the kids are supposed to be the stars...but when you have them OVERACT on EVERYTHING it kindda pisses me off. suite life on zach and cody...really common they are old enough to know that is not how you really make a name for yourself, that is how you get type casted...that is how you are NOT taken serious as an actor.  also the squeeky clean image they try to portray that their "stars" have....the 2 stars of the highschool musical thing...the vanessa whats her name that the orange dude....yea we ALL know the nuddie pics she took were for him....she WAS 18 when she took the pics...BOO FUCKING HOOO SHE IS OLD ENOUGH TO BE IN PORN, SHE CAN BUY PORN. what was the deal of making a big to do about the pictures. there was nothing illegal about it, sure how the person got them could be questionable, but really now. the only way they were releaced is if that orange guy got them THEN posted himself for publicity. remember kids all publicity is good. i hate disney, i hate their actors, i hate their movies, i hate how EXPENCIVE IT IS to get into dland.....i remember when it was about 30 bucks a ticket

now is fucking 70 bucks just to get in dland...and about 100 to get in both parks....FUCK YOU DISNEY!

and another thing what happened to actors taking pride in their work....i really dont see that with these kids.  fuck kids they dont pay taxes or appreciate what a lucky draw they were givin....fuck them.

FUCKING PISSED

alright so i pretty much scheduled with this dude to get my free tat...well he travels to you and i cant have him at my place cuz my mom would flip a fucking bitch on me, cant get it at my sis's place cuz she is having a party at 7, my friend luke wont know TILL SAT, my friend jase cant cuz of how long the tat will take. pretty much everyone i know i cant use their place for some reason.

i have been looking forward to this all week. and now i cant have my tat all because my mom will be around. fucking hell.

work went well.....

BUT FUCK I WANT MY DAMN TAT BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

fuck my life.....

tattoo for starcraft beta key

ok....so here is the deal i posted on cl that i want to trade a starcraft 2 beta key for a tattoo.. here is what the add says:

starcraft 2 beta key for a tattoo - $200 (irvine)

---

Reply to: sale-1010133176@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2009-01-27, 1:15PM PST

alright so i did some pricing for this tat i want...and i got a starcraft 2 beta key so im thinking of trading the beta key for a tat that will cost around 200 bucks. i already claimed the polar bear mount...BUT DONT WORRY the beta signups arent open yet. if you think that is a little pricey ill pitch in a little. 


i think its reasonable. 


please get back to me if you are serious about this offer...or want more info

ok... basic post ya know...well here are the emails i got about the post, well the one that is serious:

 Hey, I'm a HUUUGE geek, and I happen to be a pretty decent tattoo artist!  What are you thinking of as far as ink goes?

this person right there is a fucking pro tattoo artist that has a moble tattoo studio...and he is serious about doing the ink...

we talked a bit through the email shit and he asked kinda what i want to do with the that so i came up with this:

basic i know but hey i know there is going to be more to it than jsut that....i just dont know what yet...i know its going from shoulder to shoulder.

so yea. im pretty stoked...first ink ill get... wooot

im going to be so thug with that