first in a while

New beginnings, has a nice ring to it....but doesn't seem so nice to me....more work, more hassle..26.....by now most people my age are working for some company and wearing suits...I some what envy the fact they wear suits. Anyways, that is all.

financial ruin

woke up today and checked my bank account.

only to find out that i have nothing.

i feel my mind slipping into a void of worry and despair.

what am i to do with a dollar to my name.

how can i find the motivation to get a job.

i have been delt a shit hand from the get go.

i have to play a waiting game.

i dont want to wait i dont want to suffer anymore

i have no food, no hope, and no one to ask for help.

people say it gets better after you hit rock bottom.

but i feel that i just cant stop digging.

im broke and i have nothing to call my own.

all i have is a computer and a car(that is fucked up)

but how long before i have to sell them?

waste of my time

so talked to shelly today, found out that she is no longer going to sex anyone up because she is tired of being led on and leading on people....and who was the main on led on...me

not only that she told me that she didnt really like me in the first place so i told her well you want to hang out today right, she said yes, i told her to go fuck her self .....way to waste my time.

random

not really a random blog but its more about what happened was random and hasnt happened pretty much since i got back to va.

im gettin ready to play wow for a raid that was pretty fail, but while i was waiting i was talking to shelly. she had to go out and do some shoping so i was texting her about how fail the raid was and how i cant wait to get back to cali so i can be all "shit has hit the fan i have to help a friend out" and leave the raid. well she gets back and then gets on skype and video calls me...it has been about a 2-3 weeks since we last had one. The problem is as soon as i looked at her in her eyes...the butterflies started fluttering in my tummy. i know i like her and i care and what not, and i know that it isnt truly a returned feeling, but i cant help but feel a little better looking at her.

i know she is smitten by will, and like she is to me the feeling isnt mutual.

slightly bothersome since i know she still has a major crush on him since she cant stop talking about him.

i dont know, should i just keep leading hel on and get what i want from her but continue the lonely life i know i will have, knowing that i will never be with shelly, or should i try with shelly even tho it prolly wont happen and i will end up alone anyways.

i know it sounds pig like due to the fact that hel and i just wanna have sex with each other, i do like hel, but i know nothing will spawn from it other than a random hookup from a foreign chick while i have feeling for someone who doesnt have them back for me.

man my life really is starting to sound more like a soap opera than ever.

should i just quit while im ahead and just focus on me and let things come when they should?

should i continue striving for something i will prolly never have?

should i accept that i will never have her?

should i become the pig that most males are?

should i just go back to being a hermit and only letting in the ones i feel are friends and only have friends?

i have so many questions, yet no one to ask.

i are dissapoint. yet giddy, yet slightly depressed.

BAH

seriously what the fuck

she doest talk to me yesterday, and today she starts a fight because i took her off on facebook....i do care about her i do like her but really right now i dont feel that being in contact is the best thing, i was USED by her as a backup plan.....and she is the one telling me that i shouldnt have lied.....she kept the truth from me and once i found it out she didnt want to talk about it....who is really at fault here...sure i said i wasnt a virgin and she took my vcard...but her keeping her feelings from me and giving my FALSE HOPE is a whole lot worse than what i did...boo fucking hoo i hate dating i hate the concept....this is why im content with living and dying alone.

another failure

its funny how i keep tellin myself that one day ill find a girl and feel comfortable dating again, but even after 5 years i just keep getting the sense that no matte what it wont happen. Even with shelly entering my life as a friend then moved on from that, we never dated, we never even thought about being a couple, it was because i was the safe choice for her at that time. now for back story.

it was late june or early july, and my friend luke was going to introduce me to his buddys at the t-spot so we head over to find out that they were at the pool chilling. we head over there and i met the guys. they were chilling with a group of girls who just moved in and were being friendly with them, and me being me, i was in my leather jacket, jeans and a rancid shirt smoking my unfiltered lucky strikes just being a crass yet still quite self. the next day beer pong. good times were had. then came the day...well a few days before, my leaving for virginia so a party was thrown. and low and behold shelly was there, sure she was there for the other get togethers but this was the first time her and i actually spoke. now im in virginia and im on face book and i see a post about my going away shindig and what was going on. and i commented about the tetris game and shelly and i were talking there. then she friended me on facebook and we swaped screen names for aim and started talking. then her and i started flirting and what not. then she said the 3 words that i tend not to throw around meaninglessly, but for some reason i felt that i could say them to her, so i did. now fast forward to nov i figured i would go out to cali to spend thanksgiving with family but shelly said why not spend it with her. so i flew out to cali and spent a week with shelly. i had fun. then on the saturday 2 days before i was to fly back she came up to me saying she wanted to know if iit would be ok for her to have sex wtih me, i didnt say no. we did. it was fun but i still dont know what the hype is all about, but i digress. so now it has been a little more than a week of me being back in virginia and i am talking to shelly after her and i havent talked for a few days and i over hear her talking to one of her roomates. the roomate said that her and this guy will would make a cute couple and i know that the guy is her friends with benefits and i have told her, you dont want to be the go to for a booty call, but she didnt listen. so anyways she then goes and said something on the lines of "well we are just friends with benefits and it would take a miracle for him to actually say something for this to progress any further than that". at that point i knew where i stood. but her and i ended our convo. at 4 am my time she ims me and i told her that her and i needed to talk about something. well i told her what i over heard and she said that i heard it wrong .i then asked her if she liked will and if she wanted to date him seriously and move forward from being just friends with benefits. she said yes. so i told her i obviously heard her right. she said she wanted it but couldnt have it and should jsut get over it. she then said that she doesnt want to force him into a relationship. so me being the all-knowing that i am, i told her that she doesnt want to force him incase it doesnt work out or if he says no becuase then she would feel like it was all for nothing and would prefer him to want it and therefore needing a miracle for him to say something to make their current relationship progress. and that i was only in the picture if it didnt work out or he said no. and that i was only a backup plan. at that point she said she couldnt talk about it and i told her that really it had to be said cuz i wanted to confirm where i stood in this and that she just confirmed that i am just a back up plan, the fall back, the safety. to which i gave her advice on what she should do but i told her that i am not going to be her safety or backup that the only way i can consider dating someone is if i am the #1 to them not just a fall back, because that is an insult to me. so i told her that what we had was nice as long as it lasted but i wouldnt get my hopes up for anything to move forward, since i wouldnt cuz of where i stood in her life. to which she says i love you nate please dont forget that. at this point i just said to myself she doesnt know what she wants or who she actually loves and that i would just end up getting hurt like i did in the last relationship i had. so here i am venting telling the story on the internet where no one is going to read, comment, or give their input because hell no one cares really.

mind you the conversation was held last night and today i took her off facebook my aim, skype and out of my phone. i dont want to have my hopes up, but i do want he to realise that i am the right choice for her and not just a notch in the bed post.

this always happens, this is why i dont date or get my hopes up, this is why i just have to give up. im 23 sure there are plenty of women out there, but im 23 i want a stable relationship, i want commitment, not marriage, just a nice long term relationship where both parties are happy. but needless to say i figure the numbers are against me so why bother.

no im not going to kill myself, but i am gettin shitfaced tomorrow no matter what.

this new job

so i have been workin at this place for 2 weeks now, and quite frankly its really fucking dull, there is not enough work for 3 people, too much sitting around, and i hate not being busy.

on the up side gettin paid 13 an hour to sit around for the most part.